Bullying comes in many forms, from verbal threatening and teasing to name calling and spreading rumors to physical brutality. It’s also important to not overlook “cyber-bullying,” or bullying which is done electronically thru email, texting, instant messenger or on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace. One obstacle to providing help can be that some children may choose to keep it to themselves, whether it be because of the tremendous shame they may feel, or because of other factors such as fear of retaliation.

So, as parents how can we help? First, kids need to know this is not their fault. Secondly, we need to be aware of the signs which could indicate that a child is being victimized by bullies: depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior (i.e., fighting, talking back), academic problems, injuries, avoidance of certain activities ( i.e., recess/playgrounds/sports), decreased interest in going to school/certain classes, and frequent physical complaints such as headaches and stomach problems. There have also been reports of suicide attempts precipitated by bullying. Of course, these symptoms could be due to various other problems so one important initial intervention is simply to express your concern about what you’re observing.

If you discover that bullying is going on, then what?  One response to avoid is to encourage physical or verbal fighting back. This will likely only result in further problems, and encourage behavior which won’t serve our kids well as they grow into adults. One strategy to consider is to ignore the bully, and just not respond at all. Typically, a bully is looking for a reaction, and to have one just gives them what they want. Also, assertively telling the bully to stop his/her actions can help, though this may be hard. Many children don’t possess the skills to do this effectively, and may need coaching from their parents on the most effective ways to do so.

Encouraging your child to tell an adult (teacher, school counselor, principal, coach) can be a very important strategy, though many may find this in itself frightening. It may be useful to convey to kids that it takes courage to talk to adults about bullying, and that you are proud of them for doing so. Kids also need to know that there is a difference between tattling and reporting threatening behavior. Tattling is essentially trying to get someone in trouble for the sake of getting them in trouble, while reporting bullying is an attempt to stop hurtful behavior which should be unacceptable. While we all want our kids to learn to “stick up for themselves,” there are also times when parents will need to intervene directly with the appropriate authority figures themselves.

Bullying has been around forever, and so to say it can be stopped entirely would be foolish. But, as parents we can do our part by being proactive in preventing it from causing serious problems later in our children’s lives.

— Scott M. Granet, LCSW

— Mr. Granet is a long-time resident of Redwood Shores, and is director of the OCD-BDD Clinic of Northern California in Redwood City. He would like to hear your suggestions for future columns, and can be reached at 650-599-3325 or .